How to Marry a Mensch

How to Marry a Mensch: 10 Tips

By Robin Gorman Newman

When I was single, the last thing I expected was to one day be offering advice on the subject of how to marry a mensch. But after years of pounding the dating pavement, I learned a lot and ultimately met and married my "Mr. Right Mensch." (A mensch is defined as "a decent, responsible person," and I like to add, "who even your mother would love!") While there is no surefire way to meet a mensch, based on my own experience, and those of couples I interviewed, mensches without a doubt make the best marriage material.

Marriage is another phase of life and a personal choice. It's not the only way to go, but if you want to walk down the aisle, you will want to choose someone who will truly stand the test of time--and that is a mensch. You owe it to yourself to choose one as a life-partner, if you aspire to settle down.

Be a Mensch to Yourself

Before you can find a mensch, you will need to put your best foot forward. This means practicing self-care and living fully. When you're doing those very things, your mensch is more likely to appear. Life can be wonderful, so don't put yours on hold until you've found your mensch. Live in the moment and enjoy where you are today by surrounding yourself with good friends, working on cultivating new ones, taking a class, getting a massage, going on a trip, reading a new book, or signing up for sailing lessons. Whatever calls to you, pursue it. You'll be happier at the end of the day, and that will bring people into your orbit.

Doing Good Does You Good

Good attracts good. If you give back, you will reap the rewards in more ways than one. I'm a strong believer in volunteer work. If you are wondering how to identify a mensch, it is someone who puts others before themselves. And what better way than through philanthropy?!

Pick a cause that means something to you, and consider joining a committee to help plan a fundraiser. When you attend the event, it is easier to talk to people because you'll know others who are involved. If fundraisers aren't for you, there are countless other options: volunteer in a soup kitchen, collect coats for the homeless, visit an animal shelter, or help the elderly. Whatever you choose, you are more likely to meet a big-hearted, quality person who shares your commitment to doing good in the world.

Live Like You Want to Get Married

There is a big difference between acting like you want to get married and thinking it. The average single person, when asked if they want to get married, would say yes. But what vibe do they, or you, give off when you're socializing? Acting like you want to get married means having the mindset to make it happen. You need to give people a chance, be open to commitment, and make a concerted effort to try new things and break old socializing patterns that are zapping your energy.

Do you look approachable when you go out? Do you make eye contact? Do you initiate a conversation? Do you have a business or personal card handy if someone wants to exchange phone numbers? Part of looking for true love is being prepared to find it, even when you least expect it.

Have a Prop

Having a prop can give you a leg up. It helps attract attention in a positive way and serves as a potential icebreaker. For example, if you go to a gym, play sports, or run, consider wear a t-shirt that makes a statement about yourself--it could be a clever saying, your favorite sports team, your alma mater, or a rock band you love. If it reflects an interest, then someone might find a commonality and strike up a conversation about it.

Practice Spirituality

It's easy to get caught up in the daily treadmill of life. Between work, home responsibilities, family, friends, and health matters, there isn't much time left over to devote to inner well-being. Spirituality isn't necessarily something that comes naturally to everyone, but it can put you in a better place in terms of self-discovery and learning to trust your gut.

Whether it's through prayer, meditation, yoga, studying kabbalah, the practice of being still is very telling. It will help you recognize a true mensch because your instincts will let you know if this person is deserving of your love.

Don't Be a Repeat Offender

I'm referring to someone who consistently enters into relationships that don't work. Do you tend to choose or attract the wrong type of men or women over and over? Do you want to marry a mensch, but you never date one? It is important to take note of your dating patterns and not repeat history.

Think about whom you've gone out with and what was appealing or not appealing about them. Did the relationship make you feel good about yourself? It's easy to be a creature of habit and go for the familiar. But if you continually get involved with the wrong kind of person, you will not be happy in the long run. Be conscious of your choices.

Look on the Positive Side

No one wants to be with someone who sees the glass as half-empty. Challenges present themselves, and we all have our share of frustration and disappointment. Some people, it may seem, have more than others. But ultimately it's how you deal with setbacks and your outlook that count. Don't make yourself a victim. Be a positive thinker. Surround yourself with upbeat people--laughter is contagious! Sure, you're entitled to your down moments, and looking for love isn't always the easiest, I realize. But no goal worth achieving happens overnight. And, when you do succeed, it's all the sweeter. So keep your chin up--someone might be attracted to your smile.

Avoid a Tunnel Vision Approach

By tunnel vision, I'm referring to someone whose requirements for a mate are so specific that they limit their opportunities for romance. For example, I once coached a single Jewish male who wanted to meet a Jewish woman. The only social activities he pursued were those labeled "Jewish," and he was getting bored seeing lots of the same faces. I suggested he consider being less restrictive. There are many Jewish singles--and those of other faiths--who don't attend religious functions or events specific to their religion. They may engage in more interest-oriented activities, like biking or hiking. You do yourself a disservice if you limit your pursuits, so be open-minded and you might even discover a new passion or two.

Chuck the Checklist

There is no such thing as a perfect person. Even the epitome of a mensch has flaws. If you have a huge list of qualities you are seeking in a mate, I urge you to write them all down, and then discard half the list. It's not possible to get everything in one person, and this doesn't mean you're settling. It's about being realistic if you truly want to find a mensch.

Make the Date

I caution you to resist the temptation of overdoing email when you "meet" someone on an internet dating site or hand out your email address to someone you've met casually. It's so easy to correspond endlessly before you make the date. And, all too often, I've seen people later get hugely disappointed when they finally get together and the date falls flat.

Through email, people tend to reveal too much, almost as if they are writing in a journal. But there is something to be said for creating a little mystique. If you tell all before you meet, where do you go from there? I had one love-coaching client who actually fell in love (or deep infatuation) through an extensive email exchange. She was convinced he was "The One" (he wasn't). So schedule a date and save your conversation for the real world--not the computer. First impressions mean much more in person.

Know what you can live with and what is a deal-breaker for you. Look at successful marriages you know, see what makes them work, and take it to heart. That will help create a reasonable checklist worth keeping.

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