Nothing Working? Maybe Your Mind is Asking the Wrong Question

By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.

Let me tell you a story. A couple had just landed in Venice, Italy carrying heavy bags on their backs nad looking for a hotel to rest after a long journey. Every time they entered a hotel they would greet the concierge with the same question “Do you have a room available?” And every concierge would reply with the same answer, “So sorry, no vacancy.” After hearing “no” so many times they started to feel hopeless wondering if they were going to have to sleep in the street that night. The wife turned to her husband and said, “Are we asking the right question? I wonder if they even have any dirty rooms open.” They went back to the last hotel they visited where the concierge greeted them quizzically. They then asked, “Do you have any dirty rooms?” The concierge immediately replied, yes we do have a dirty room, it has two dirty towels in it, but the bed is made. The husband replied, “We’ll take it, just give us two new towels.” The deal was done.

I would argue that when we’re not feeling well, our minds are in a perpetual state of asking the wrong question to find the solution. There’s no question that when we’re not where we want to be a switch goes off in our minds that asks “what is best solution to this problem?” In that drive to find the solution, we’re automatically focusing on an idea that we are sub-par and this makes us even feel worse. As we feel worse, the mind begins to recollect and associate with all of the memories in life that were unsatisfactory and begins to think of a future shaded with the color “bleak.”

Our minds are simply asking the wrong question. Instead of focusing on the gap and asking, “what is the solution,” we need to be asking, “what is the most skillful response to this feeling right now?” In doing this, instead of the mind racing off focusing on this dissatisfaction, it can become more present with the discomfort, allowing it to be as it is. In doing this, we may realize that what is really needed is some care in that moment, much like a wounded child doesn’t need us to scream solutions at it, but instead needs to be accepted and embraced.

This more conscious and intentional response can lead to strengths such as kindness, compassion, and love. These strengths provide a resiliency in the face of adversity that is needed at that time. Now, while you may realize an immediate benefit from changing the way you relate to your distress, let me lay out an analogy. Doing something like this is akin to cultivating a garden. You plant the seeds and after a while you can begin to see the fruits of your labor. I say this because beginning to ask a different question takes patience and persistence. It is a deeply ingrained habit we all have to try and “fix-it.” So we can notice when we enter this mode of mind, acknowledge it, and then ask a different question.

The next time you find yourself feeling worse when your mind is banging its head against the wall trying to find the solution, ask yourself, “am I asking the right question,” get curious, maybe it’s asking the wrong question.

As always, please share your thoughts and questions below. Your interaction here provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.


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